Who's That (Terrible) Pokemon?

A while ago I went on a long ramble about who the greatest Pokemon are. Initially I was going to include monsters from all games, but after the first three were from the same generation, I just said screw it and made it a Gold and Silver list. It got me thinking about the five best Pokemon from the other games, and then on a much more interesting subject. I bring you:

The Five Worst Pokemon from Gold and Silver

5. Politoed

Remember the Poliwag family from Red and Blue? Those were great Pokemon. They're simple, they're adorable, and they've got a unique design. What can go wrong with giant tadpoles with gloves? Enter the Frog Pokemon, Politoed. If, for some reason, you didn't want to evolve your Poliwhirl into a Poliwrath in order to boost stats and gain a type while still having a virtually identical Pokemon, Gold and Silver offered this alternative. Politoed adds nothing in battle, has no discernible advantages over its opposite evolutionary branch, and just looks goofy. It's belly swirl has mutated and it's grown a head and phalanges and other vestigial parts. Screw you, Politoed. Nobody wants a frog. Remember the Power Rangers movie? People greet frogs with disappointment. Everything its predecessors had going for them, Politoed threw away for boring scientific accuracy.

4. Qwilfish

The Balloon Pokemon, not to be confused with the other Balloon Pokemon, the Jigglypuff and Drifloon families, who are mostly pretty good. Still, this guy is just... lame. I can't even go into detail about why he sucks. He's unimpressive stat- and type-wise, and doesn't even look like a Pokemon. He feels more at home as a forgotten Mario enemy, who shows up in one or two water levels in one of the Game Boy games. I'm sure it's hard to make a cartoon pufferfish look cool, but Qwilfish is just boring and useless, an insult to his deadly real-life counterpart. While Politoed tried too hard, Qwilfish just didn't try at all.

3. Unown --

I'm getting a little specific with this one. Unown is a gimmick Pokemon, not meant to be used in battle, simply existing to make catching them all a little more challenging. Now, as a concept, I kind of like Unown. He's got a bizarre simplicity and mystery to him. There are 26 (later 28) varieties of Unown, one for every letter. Can you guess what letter that is? Y? Z? Keep guessing. Have you given up? That's a "G," somehow. Is Nintendo familiar with the letter "G?"

G g

That is what a "G" looks like. I honestly can't tell what parts of either the capital or the lowercase is in that Pokemon. For poor design and failing to look like a common letter, Unown G is my third least-favorite GS Pokemon.

2. Octillery

Ah, the octopus, an insanely versatile and clever animal. Alien in appearance, yet graceful in its way. Its abilities are something out of science fiction, with ink jets, camouflage, and the capacity to kill sharks. The octopus demands respect, and if you don't give it any, it will squeeze under your door and strangle you in your sleep.

Ah, Octillery, the Jet Pokemon, a lazy and ugly abomination. It looks like a melted pool toy. Its abilities are nothing notable, with the same basic moveset and stats of every other water type, the most overdone type in the game. Octillery sucks, not just in his own right, but for insulting his base.

1. Igglybuff

Guh. Look at it. The pale skin, the red eyes, the frailty. Igglybuff, the Balloon Pokemon, just makes me sad. It looks like it would bruise very easily, making any hug, pat, or mere touch a risk of injury. This is what happens when Jigglypuff is born 8 months premature. I've had nightmares about creatures like this. They sit on their bed crying, and anything I do to help only hurts it more. I don't want the responsibility, it makes me sick to know it exists and the only solution to its misery and my madness is a mercy killing, which will go horribly wrong. I'll have second thoughts in the middle of the act, Igglybuff will let out a blood-curdling shriek, and as it experiences a slow, painful death in my arms I cry like I've never cried before. The "Eraserhead" baby has nothing on Igglybuff.

I don't love you. I can't stand to see you in pain. Please go away.