There is nothing in this room I could use to kill a zombie.

Not Pictured: Adequate weaponry, that Grindhouse poster that fell over Thanksgiving

How did I not notice this sooner? This is serious, there are no good bludgeoning devices in my room. Let's take inventory, shall we, of what I could possibly use to attack a zombie?

• Glass bottles - They're handy and plentiful, but would they really do the job here? They're small, so I'd have to get in close to get a hit, and they'd just break on their heads. No good.
• "Guitar Hero" peripherals - Big enough for a decent range, but again too fragile for a good hit. Real guitars would splinter, what good would a small plastic one do?
• Silverware knife - This would most likely break zombie flesh, but again I'd have to get really close to it.
• Textbooks - Hefty, easy to carry, and overly abundant. At least I could fuck up their face, if not destroy the brain. A blind zombie with no sense of smell is better than nothing.
• Desk chair - If it were wooden, I could snap a leg off for a good bludgeoning device, but the plastic contraption Park hall provided me is good for comfort and not much else.
• Trash bin - It's fairly sturdy, I suppose, and as comical as it sounds, I'd imagine pulling one over their head would buy you a bit of time.
• Desk - There are a few boards I could take out with enough effort and disregard for property, and I suppose they'd be useful. This may be my best bet.
• Doc Marten's - My boots are all about ass-kicking, but they're a little worn and I'm too out of shape to kick an adult in the head anymore. Too risky.
• Fists - Even riskier. I don't have my boxing gloves with me (although you can't hit that hard with them on anyway), and there's no way I'm getting a bare hand near a zombie smile.
• Roommate's laptop - What? I'm not going to risk damaging mine. Besides, his is bigger.
• Roommate - Not really a weapon, more of a diversion, but hey, whatever works. All's fair in love and zombies (which, from what I've observed are just about equally likely to happen).

So you see, my options are a bit limited here. I honestly don't know what I'd equip myself with, offensively. Most likely, I'd have to make a mad dash to the next building over, Woodworth dining hall, where I'd yank a heavy-duty frying pan and bigass chef's knife. Kitchen supplies are deadly. Sporting equipment is too, so you bat-, stick- and paddle-based athletes are in good shape.

Defenses are easier. All you really need to know is layers. A lot of shirts, long sleeves, sturdy gloves, and as little bare flesh as possible. Why? Bite yourself. You have to bite really hard to break flesh. Now try it through a few layers of cotton. It's not perfect, but it'll help.

Thankfully, the zombie apocalypse is a few years away from now, so I'll most likely be living in a better-equipped apartment by then.