MLIOK

Today, my old man gave me a carton of cigarettes for Christmas. He grabbed me and said "Hey, smoke up, Johnny." MLIBC

Today, my best friend Hank kept calling me Bill. My name is Lenore. MLIKOTH

Today, I had to go to Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania to cover some lame local feature story for my TV station. I spent the day trying to get to know my producer better. MLIGD

The OK Mission Statement

 The Swedish have a word that is abscent in English, "lagom." "Lagom" means "just right," "not too much." It's a wonderful concept. The Swedes don't try too hard, show off, or collect too much wealth or excess. They just get by on being good enough.

 The closest approximation I see in English is "OK." I Like "OK." I think we could use some more "OK" in general. I named my blog "OK" because I like the concept so much.

 Everything is OK. We all like to use hyperbole, to declare things the best or worst ever, to gush and rant, but frankly most things are just OK. Most Dreamworks cartoonss aren't horrible and Ramones are good mostly for nosalgic and sentimental reasons. There are one or two good movies every year, a few more bad, but most of them just amuse and take up a couple hours out of our day.

 With that in mind, it's my intention to shift the content of this blog to make it more "OK." This will be the champion of the average, a center for all things pretty good. It'll be like My Life Is Average, except all the content is generated by me and the things will actually be average.

 OK?

 OK.

There is nothing in this room I could use to kill a zombie.

Not Pictured: Adequate weaponry, that Grindhouse poster that fell over Thanksgiving

How did I not notice this sooner? This is serious, there are no good bludgeoning devices in my room. Let's take inventory, shall we, of what I could possibly use to attack a zombie?

• Glass bottles - They're handy and plentiful, but would they really do the job here? They're small, so I'd have to get in close to get a hit, and they'd just break on their heads. No good.
• "Guitar Hero" peripherals - Big enough for a decent range, but again too fragile for a good hit. Real guitars would splinter, what good would a small plastic one do?
• Silverware knife - This would most likely break zombie flesh, but again I'd have to get really close to it.
• Textbooks - Hefty, easy to carry, and overly abundant. At least I could fuck up their face, if not destroy the brain. A blind zombie with no sense of smell is better than nothing.
• Desk chair - If it were wooden, I could snap a leg off for a good bludgeoning device, but the plastic contraption Park hall provided me is good for comfort and not much else.
• Trash bin - It's fairly sturdy, I suppose, and as comical as it sounds, I'd imagine pulling one over their head would buy you a bit of time.
• Desk - There are a few boards I could take out with enough effort and disregard for property, and I suppose they'd be useful. This may be my best bet.
• Doc Marten's - My boots are all about ass-kicking, but they're a little worn and I'm too out of shape to kick an adult in the head anymore. Too risky.
• Fists - Even riskier. I don't have my boxing gloves with me (although you can't hit that hard with them on anyway), and there's no way I'm getting a bare hand near a zombie smile.
• Roommate's laptop - What? I'm not going to risk damaging mine. Besides, his is bigger.
• Roommate - Not really a weapon, more of a diversion, but hey, whatever works. All's fair in love and zombies (which, from what I've observed are just about equally likely to happen).

So you see, my options are a bit limited here. I honestly don't know what I'd equip myself with, offensively. Most likely, I'd have to make a mad dash to the next building over, Woodworth dining hall, where I'd yank a heavy-duty frying pan and bigass chef's knife. Kitchen supplies are deadly. Sporting equipment is too, so you bat-, stick- and paddle-based athletes are in good shape.

Defenses are easier. All you really need to know is layers. A lot of shirts, long sleeves, sturdy gloves, and as little bare flesh as possible. Why? Bite yourself. You have to bite really hard to break flesh. Now try it through a few layers of cotton. It's not perfect, but it'll help.

Thankfully, the zombie apocalypse is a few years away from now, so I'll most likely be living in a better-equipped apartment by then.

Five animals, etc. that still need to be made into Pokemon

All Pokemon news sources have been reporting that a Fifth Generation of the games is likely on the way. To quote my friend Everyone, "Ugh, really? I don't see how that could work... Really? No." But who cares what that guy thinks? I'm excited. More monsters to collect is a nice thing, even if 90% of them will inevitably suck.

Still, I understand the concern people have over this. With 493 Pokemon already scurrying about PokEarth's various regions, there's not a lot of ground left to cover, is there? Perhaps, but I do think there are a few animals, plants, mineral and whatever left un-Pokefied. Namely, these:

Bwah!

Hank Hill stepped out the front door to get his morning paper. As he's walking back, he glances at something strange in the corner of his eye. He turns to find a sight of utter horror: Kahn and Minh Souphanousinphone have become horse people!

They look the same from the torso up, save for long, pointy ears, but their lower bodies have been replaced by a horse's hind legs. They aren't wearing pants, and their tails are whipping around as they stomp in a circle, leaving hoofprints in their lawn. Words fail Hank, but Kahn explains that this is the newest thing in genetic fashion and that he is hillbilly redneck for not getting horse genes implanted. Hank just stares, then walks back inside.

Then I woke up.

Super Mario '84: The Players - The Koopa Troop

Last week, I examined the corruption and hidden motives of Princess Toadstool and company, and, as promised, I'm going to take a look at the rogue military faction that's been running an unsuccessful coup for the past 25 years. I was going to feature Bowser like I had Mario and Peach, but there's really nothing to say about him that hasn't been said in the last article. Instead I'm going to take a look at a few smaller players in the Koopa Troop.

The Koopa Troop

The main force behind Bowser's army actually seems to have a military-like chain of command, with ranks represented by advances in weaponry and bodily modifications. Regular Koopa Troopas are like privates, the basic foot soldier. Koopa Paratroopas are the next rank up, and have wings grafted onto them to show their heightened ability and position. The Hammer Bros. (or Boomerang, Fire and Ice Bros. depending on region) would be next, still primarily fighting directly on the battlefield, but supplied with better weaponry (as in any weaponry at all) and possessing superior skills. Lakitu would be the colonels, I suppose, mostly commanding a battalion of Spinys and keeping away from the fray in their clouds. The generals of Bowser's Koopa Troop would have to be the Magikoopas. Their skills in magic allow them to escape the battle whenever they're endangered, and they even serve as advisors to the Koopa King, most specifically Kamek, who is likely Bowser's second-in-command. There are fluctuations among the ranks depending on shell color and size, but for the most part this appears to be the basic structure of the Koopa Hierarchy.

Tim Curry does the Rock, I do the Blog.

This started playing on the radio at Penny Lane, Evansville's only non-Starbuck's coffee shop, earlier this evening. I had heard it years ago, but forgotten about it until just now. Don't ask me why this of all things was playing, but thank God for it.

Super Mario '84: The Players - Mushroom Kingdom

Henceforth any and all postings about the corrupt rules of Princess Peach and King Bowser shall referred under the label "Super Mario '84," as in "Super Mario 64" and "1984." Isn't that clever and semi-ill-fitting? Focus on the Eurasia/Eastasia part and it sort of works... Anyway, trailing off.

I'd like to take some time to discuss the key players and their motives in this phony war. Today I'll be focusing on Peach's Mushroom Kingdom. Sometime next week I'll go into detail on Bowser and the Koopa Kingdom's side of the gold coin.

Princess Peach: The Oppressive Minority Ruler

We'll start with the top of the chain of command and move down, as the Princess' motives and methods are most clear. It is not often that the games offer a peek at the actual cities and towns of the Mushroom Kingdom, but when they do we see that one thing is very clear: the general populace is almost entirely Toads. In fact, Peach, Mario and Luigi are the only permanent human residents of the Kingdom. How a human came to rule a nation of mushroom men is questionable; it reeks of colonization. Certainly the Toads would be best off being lead by one of their own, and they probably are aware of this. Still, the constant threat of Bowser and a Koopa takeover keep them from ever questioning her Majesty. Peach and Mario are the only people keeping them from singing the Koopa national anthem, so they live with her oppression and fight for her safety in a fabricated conflict out of fear. Peach meanwhile sits safely in her castle most of the time until Bowser comes to "kidnap" her, where she has her own room set up in his place as well. It's all an act for the sake of keeping the fear alive.

Who's That (Terrible) Pokemon?

A while ago I went on a long ramble about who the greatest Pokemon are. Initially I was going to include monsters from all games, but after the first three were from the same generation, I just said screw it and made it a Gold and Silver list. It got me thinking about the five best Pokemon from the other games, and then on a much more interesting subject. I bring you:

The Five Worst Pokemon from Gold and Silver

5. Politoed

Remember the Poliwag family from Red and Blue? Those were great Pokemon. They're simple, they're adorable, and they've got a unique design. What can go wrong with giant tadpoles with gloves? Enter the Frog Pokemon, Politoed. If, for some reason, you didn't want to evolve your Poliwhirl into a Poliwrath in order to boost stats and gain a type while still having a virtually identical Pokemon, Gold and Silver offered this alternative. Politoed adds nothing in battle, has no discernible advantages over its opposite evolutionary branch, and just looks goofy. It's belly swirl has mutated and it's grown a head and phalanges and other vestigial parts. Screw you, Politoed. Nobody wants a frog. Remember the Power Rangers movie? People greet frogs with disappointment. Everything its predecessors had going for them, Politoed threw away for boring scientific accuracy.

My thoughts on 2009, Part Three

Top 4 Most Disappointing Movies of 2009

4. X-Men Origins: Wolverine - Now, it's not like I ever expected a movie about the least-interesting, yet inexplicably popular X-men to be any good, but I had expected something more than this. This was such an empty, careless effort. The story is "Wolverine walks from fight scene to fight scene as decades pass with no consequence" and you can almost taste the apathy from everyone involved. It's like the writer, director and cast all suddenly realized that they were in a movie about Wolverine.

3. 9 - As my previous movie lists have established, small-budget movies make me drool. I wanted "9" to be good, but it isn't. It isn't bad. It isn't anything memorable or notable. It's a sequence of pretty cool action scenes and occasionally-beautiful animation with terrible dialogue and a story that starts nowhere, goes nowhere, and ends nowhere. I felt like I was watching a video game I couldn't play, but would have liked to.

My thoughts on 2009, Part Two

Okay, let's get back to it.

Top 7 Movies of 2009 I Haven't Seen Yet (I Swear There are Only Two or Three More Movie Ones)

7. Fantastic Mr. Fox - Typically I can't stand Wes Anderson films, but I'll admit that the trailers for this one charmed me. Hearing how little actual directing Anderson did only made me more interested in this one.

6. World's Greatest Dad - I love a good dark comedy, and Robin Williams playing the failed author father of a kid who died of autoerotic asphyxiation and then forging a suicide note for him, which becomes famous, forcing him to forge an entire diary to finally find success as a writer sounds like an absolute winner to me.

5. Dead Snow - As Much as I love zombies, I'll admit that I'm growing tired of them. There are only so many things you can do to them, really. However, "undead frozen Nazis thawed out and angry" is something I haven't seen before and very much want to.

My thoughts on 2009, Part One

Initially I was going to do the cliche thing and make a series of "Top -X- -Ys- of '09" lists for music, movies, video games, and what all else, but there are numerous things going against that. I only purchased two new albums this year, and only played three or four new video games worth discussing, so I couldn't pick a uniform number. Also, even if I could, I just don't care enough too. It's a lot of effort naming and ranking things for a list I doubt anybody will actually take too seriously.

Let's try something else instead, a countdown of lists. This way it's unique and interesting and I don't have to do as much work. So here we go:

Cameron's Top 9 "Top n-1" Lists of 2009, and Note That I am Aware That There are a Lot I Have Not Seen/Listened to/Whatever.

Top 9 Movies of 2009

9. District 9 - Impressive visuals and an excellent sci-fi allegory done cheap and done right. The declarations of this "stealing 'Avatar''s thunder" were hyperbolic but understandable.

8. Adventureland - "Superbad" director Greg Mottola has solidified his place as the new John Hughes with this warm and relatable, if not always laugh-out-loud funny comedy.

7. The Hurt Locker - Very few movies have been made on the War on Terror, but this intense depiction of bomb diffusing in Iraq does a lot to fill that void.