Just in case...

Something's up with either my microwave or my eyes. At 12:03, I swear the numbers were dancing. The "12:" would jerk upwards while the "03" went down. It was twitchy, almost unnoticeable, and stopped at 12:04. Nothing else in the room seemed to move oddly, so I'm assuming it wasn't my eyes messing up.

I stared at my microwave, and have been staring since. I've got my Venture Bros. Season 2 DVD on, and not even the antics of Henchmen 21 & 24 can divert my attention.

Not tonight, boys. Sorry

I saw the clock change from 12:06 to 12:07 and it startled me. That's totally normal microwave behavior, I know, but still. I'm unnerved by 12:03.

Also, the massive amounts of snow on the roof are making the lights sputter and blink off every now and then.

Frankly, I'm spooked as shit, and I know my microwave's up to something. If I'm missing in the morning, and not on the way to Tennessee, I blame the microwave. It did something to me. Check inside. Check the buttons, make sure they all read as they should, and a picture of my terror-stricken face has not replaced the "popcorn" setting.

I kind of want to unplug it now.

The 1st Annual Academy Awards Predictions Blog Post

It's been said dozens of times before, but award shows are bollocks. Most are just the entertainment industry patting itself on the back whilst beautiful people show off their latest designer gowns, designer spouses and half-assed activist pet projects. There are maybe three or four even remotely notable, those being the Emmys (even though television is a dying medium and has less worth celebrating every year), the Grammys (even though they're always five years behind the latest developments in music), the Tonys (even though nobody outside of New York has ever seen the nominees) and the Academy Awards. I'm here to talk about the latter.

With nominations just released today, I thought it would be totally rad and not at all cliche to dedicate a post to my predictions. I'll stick to a familiar "will win, should win" format, with "shouldn't win"s wherever appropriate or wherever James Cameron is nominated. Let's go!

Musings on the importance of Twitter.

 Over Thanksgiving, I had the lovely task of explaining the concept of Twitter to my relatives. I doubt I did a very good job at it, but I covered some of my favorite things about the site. I explained its importance as a news source, as was seen in Iran this summer, as well as the glory of keeping up with Neil Patrick Harris, Pee-Wee Herman and THE_REAL_SHAQ. Twitter also provides a lot of really entertaining original material as well. Fake AP Stylebook is a must-read for any journalist or grammar nerd, shhdontellsteve is a humorous study of an oblivious douchey roommate, and DRUNKHULK is Hulk, but drunk.

One thing I don't quite get about Twitter is the follower/following count fascination. Celebrities evidently brag about having more accounts read them than they read. I myself have a relatively unimpressive follower count, and that's to be expected since I'm not particularly famous or clever. Of course, just because I don't quite understand the fascination, doesn't mean I don't concern myself with these things.

Recently I've noticed that Twitter has a lot of advertising accounts generated by corporations. If you happen to mention their product, somehow they find you and follow you. I've managed to get a VW dealership from New Jersey to follow me by saying "VW," not in reference to the car, and Gillette started following me after I shared a story of cutting myself shaving.

So, my mission for the next month is to see how many of these junk advertising accounts I can get to follow me, and see how long they keep following me (the VW guy stopped after a couple of days). What I intend to do is just tweet strings of brand names and see which ones stick. I'll keep semiregular updates here.

So, sorry, followers, most of my tweets over the next few weeks will be really annoying. Check back by March 1 at the latest.

MLIOK

Today, my old man gave me a carton of cigarettes for Christmas. He grabbed me and said "Hey, smoke up, Johnny." MLIBC

Today, my best friend Hank kept calling me Bill. My name is Lenore. MLIKOTH

Today, I had to go to Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania to cover some lame local feature story for my TV station. I spent the day trying to get to know my producer better. MLIGD

The OK Mission Statement

 The Swedish have a word that is abscent in English, "lagom." "Lagom" means "just right," "not too much." It's a wonderful concept. The Swedes don't try too hard, show off, or collect too much wealth or excess. They just get by on being good enough.

 The closest approximation I see in English is "OK." I Like "OK." I think we could use some more "OK" in general. I named my blog "OK" because I like the concept so much.

 Everything is OK. We all like to use hyperbole, to declare things the best or worst ever, to gush and rant, but frankly most things are just OK. Most Dreamworks cartoonss aren't horrible and Ramones are good mostly for nosalgic and sentimental reasons. There are one or two good movies every year, a few more bad, but most of them just amuse and take up a couple hours out of our day.

 With that in mind, it's my intention to shift the content of this blog to make it more "OK." This will be the champion of the average, a center for all things pretty good. It'll be like My Life Is Average, except all the content is generated by me and the things will actually be average.

 OK?

 OK.

There is nothing in this room I could use to kill a zombie.

Not Pictured: Adequate weaponry, that Grindhouse poster that fell over Thanksgiving

How did I not notice this sooner? This is serious, there are no good bludgeoning devices in my room. Let's take inventory, shall we, of what I could possibly use to attack a zombie?

• Glass bottles - They're handy and plentiful, but would they really do the job here? They're small, so I'd have to get in close to get a hit, and they'd just break on their heads. No good.
• "Guitar Hero" peripherals - Big enough for a decent range, but again too fragile for a good hit. Real guitars would splinter, what good would a small plastic one do?
• Silverware knife - This would most likely break zombie flesh, but again I'd have to get really close to it.
• Textbooks - Hefty, easy to carry, and overly abundant. At least I could fuck up their face, if not destroy the brain. A blind zombie with no sense of smell is better than nothing.
• Desk chair - If it were wooden, I could snap a leg off for a good bludgeoning device, but the plastic contraption Park hall provided me is good for comfort and not much else.
• Trash bin - It's fairly sturdy, I suppose, and as comical as it sounds, I'd imagine pulling one over their head would buy you a bit of time.
• Desk - There are a few boards I could take out with enough effort and disregard for property, and I suppose they'd be useful. This may be my best bet.
• Doc Marten's - My boots are all about ass-kicking, but they're a little worn and I'm too out of shape to kick an adult in the head anymore. Too risky.
• Fists - Even riskier. I don't have my boxing gloves with me (although you can't hit that hard with them on anyway), and there's no way I'm getting a bare hand near a zombie smile.
• Roommate's laptop - What? I'm not going to risk damaging mine. Besides, his is bigger.
• Roommate - Not really a weapon, more of a diversion, but hey, whatever works. All's fair in love and zombies (which, from what I've observed are just about equally likely to happen).

So you see, my options are a bit limited here. I honestly don't know what I'd equip myself with, offensively. Most likely, I'd have to make a mad dash to the next building over, Woodworth dining hall, where I'd yank a heavy-duty frying pan and bigass chef's knife. Kitchen supplies are deadly. Sporting equipment is too, so you bat-, stick- and paddle-based athletes are in good shape.

Defenses are easier. All you really need to know is layers. A lot of shirts, long sleeves, sturdy gloves, and as little bare flesh as possible. Why? Bite yourself. You have to bite really hard to break flesh. Now try it through a few layers of cotton. It's not perfect, but it'll help.

Thankfully, the zombie apocalypse is a few years away from now, so I'll most likely be living in a better-equipped apartment by then.

Five animals, etc. that still need to be made into Pokemon

All Pokemon news sources have been reporting that a Fifth Generation of the games is likely on the way. To quote my friend Everyone, "Ugh, really? I don't see how that could work... Really? No." But who cares what that guy thinks? I'm excited. More monsters to collect is a nice thing, even if 90% of them will inevitably suck.

Still, I understand the concern people have over this. With 493 Pokemon already scurrying about PokEarth's various regions, there's not a lot of ground left to cover, is there? Perhaps, but I do think there are a few animals, plants, mineral and whatever left un-Pokefied. Namely, these: