5 Nintendo franchises that deserve more love

I'm not as big into video games as I used to be, but I still like to play them when I can, and I try to keep on top of what's new even if I can't afford it. I was raised on Nintendo, and as such have had a massive bias toward their products and properties. Mario, Zelda, Pokemon and others are consistently some of the finest series. Nothing approaches their longevity.

This was the last one really worth playing and you know it, fanboy.

Still, with so many brilliant franchises, there are plenty of more or less equally brilliant games that have been forgotten in Nintendo's 30-year history. Let's finish this introduction and start naming them.

Five animals, etc. that still need to be made into Pokemon

All Pokemon news sources have been reporting that a Fifth Generation of the games is likely on the way. To quote my friend Everyone, "Ugh, really? I don't see how that could work... Really? No." But who cares what that guy thinks? I'm excited. More monsters to collect is a nice thing, even if 90% of them will inevitably suck.

Still, I understand the concern people have over this. With 493 Pokemon already scurrying about PokEarth's various regions, there's not a lot of ground left to cover, is there? Perhaps, but I do think there are a few animals, plants, mineral and whatever left un-Pokefied. Namely, these:

Super Mario '84: The Players - The Koopa Troop

Last week, I examined the corruption and hidden motives of Princess Toadstool and company, and, as promised, I'm going to take a look at the rogue military faction that's been running an unsuccessful coup for the past 25 years. I was going to feature Bowser like I had Mario and Peach, but there's really nothing to say about him that hasn't been said in the last article. Instead I'm going to take a look at a few smaller players in the Koopa Troop.

The Koopa Troop

The main force behind Bowser's army actually seems to have a military-like chain of command, with ranks represented by advances in weaponry and bodily modifications. Regular Koopa Troopas are like privates, the basic foot soldier. Koopa Paratroopas are the next rank up, and have wings grafted onto them to show their heightened ability and position. The Hammer Bros. (or Boomerang, Fire and Ice Bros. depending on region) would be next, still primarily fighting directly on the battlefield, but supplied with better weaponry (as in any weaponry at all) and possessing superior skills. Lakitu would be the colonels, I suppose, mostly commanding a battalion of Spinys and keeping away from the fray in their clouds. The generals of Bowser's Koopa Troop would have to be the Magikoopas. Their skills in magic allow them to escape the battle whenever they're endangered, and they even serve as advisors to the Koopa King, most specifically Kamek, who is likely Bowser's second-in-command. There are fluctuations among the ranks depending on shell color and size, but for the most part this appears to be the basic structure of the Koopa Hierarchy.

Super Mario '84: The Players - Mushroom Kingdom

Henceforth any and all postings about the corrupt rules of Princess Peach and King Bowser shall referred under the label "Super Mario '84," as in "Super Mario 64" and "1984." Isn't that clever and semi-ill-fitting? Focus on the Eurasia/Eastasia part and it sort of works... Anyway, trailing off.

I'd like to take some time to discuss the key players and their motives in this phony war. Today I'll be focusing on Peach's Mushroom Kingdom. Sometime next week I'll go into detail on Bowser and the Koopa Kingdom's side of the gold coin.

Princess Peach: The Oppressive Minority Ruler

We'll start with the top of the chain of command and move down, as the Princess' motives and methods are most clear. It is not often that the games offer a peek at the actual cities and towns of the Mushroom Kingdom, but when they do we see that one thing is very clear: the general populace is almost entirely Toads. In fact, Peach, Mario and Luigi are the only permanent human residents of the Kingdom. How a human came to rule a nation of mushroom men is questionable; it reeks of colonization. Certainly the Toads would be best off being lead by one of their own, and they probably are aware of this. Still, the constant threat of Bowser and a Koopa takeover keep them from ever questioning her Majesty. Peach and Mario are the only people keeping them from singing the Koopa national anthem, so they live with her oppression and fight for her safety in a fabricated conflict out of fear. Peach meanwhile sits safely in her castle most of the time until Bowser comes to "kidnap" her, where she has her own room set up in his place as well. It's all an act for the sake of keeping the fear alive.

Who's That (Terrible) Pokemon?

A while ago I went on a long ramble about who the greatest Pokemon are. Initially I was going to include monsters from all games, but after the first three were from the same generation, I just said screw it and made it a Gold and Silver list. It got me thinking about the five best Pokemon from the other games, and then on a much more interesting subject. I bring you:

The Five Worst Pokemon from Gold and Silver

5. Politoed

Remember the Poliwag family from Red and Blue? Those were great Pokemon. They're simple, they're adorable, and they've got a unique design. What can go wrong with giant tadpoles with gloves? Enter the Frog Pokemon, Politoed. If, for some reason, you didn't want to evolve your Poliwhirl into a Poliwrath in order to boost stats and gain a type while still having a virtually identical Pokemon, Gold and Silver offered this alternative. Politoed adds nothing in battle, has no discernible advantages over its opposite evolutionary branch, and just looks goofy. It's belly swirl has mutated and it's grown a head and phalanges and other vestigial parts. Screw you, Politoed. Nobody wants a frog. Remember the Power Rangers movie? People greet frogs with disappointment. Everything its predecessors had going for them, Politoed threw away for boring scientific accuracy.

My thoughts on 2009, Part Two

Okay, let's get back to it.

Top 7 Movies of 2009 I Haven't Seen Yet (I Swear There are Only Two or Three More Movie Ones)

7. Fantastic Mr. Fox - Typically I can't stand Wes Anderson films, but I'll admit that the trailers for this one charmed me. Hearing how little actual directing Anderson did only made me more interested in this one.

6. World's Greatest Dad - I love a good dark comedy, and Robin Williams playing the failed author father of a kid who died of autoerotic asphyxiation and then forging a suicide note for him, which becomes famous, forcing him to forge an entire diary to finally find success as a writer sounds like an absolute winner to me.

5. Dead Snow - As Much as I love zombies, I'll admit that I'm growing tired of them. There are only so many things you can do to them, really. However, "undead frozen Nazis thawed out and angry" is something I haven't seen before and very much want to.

Introduction to the Mushroom Kingdom Conspiracy

I've played a lot of Super Mario in my life, more than most should or would want to. The games are exactly as video games should be, so far as I'm concerned: simple, fun, easy to pick up, yet hard to master. Even in this modern age of beautiful cutscenes, voice work, and other decidedly non-video game elements, Mario games have managed to keep it simple, never wasting more than a handful of seconds at a time on pointless cinema scenes. One of the many things that makes Mario great is it's lack of a strong story. Or so I thought.

If you're not familiar, the basic motivation for Mario in the first game was that Bowser, king of the Koopas, had kidnapped Princess Toadstool, for unclear motives. Now Mario has to find and defeat Bowser to rescue the princess. Here's a video to refresh your memory.

Skip ahead to about 1:45, with the final battle with Bowser. Although this particular player decided to be a hotshot and kill him with fireballs, you may remember that the axe at the right can be jumped on to make the bridge collapse as well. After defeating Bowser, Mario finds Princess Toadstool just to the right of the bridge. Look at her, she's just sitting there. She isn't hurt, she isn't chained up, she's just there. Still, that's not a big deal, she's got Bowser just outside of her room, he'd stop her from escaping, right? Sure, only he put the bridge-destroying axe just outside her room. What takes Mario some tricky jumping would only have taken her two steps left. Peach could have escaped any time she wanted.

This raises questions. Why did Bowser kidnap the princess if he didn't mean to hurt her, and did nothing to adequately restrain her? Why didn't the princess try to escape? Why did Bowser put a "jump here to win instantly" device just behind him? This all seems kind of strange, but maybe Bowser and Toadstool are just stupid. I can accept this, the games fun and Mario saves the day. There's nothing questionable about that.

Wait, what's this? I question this. That is most definitely Mario, the Princess, and Bowser engaging in a leisurely go-kart race. They do this all the time, along with golf, tennis, soccer, and baseball games. Somehow these "enemies" are able to put aside their differences in between kidnappings and attempted coups. Something's rotten in the Mushroom Kingdom.

I don't want to make this post too long; this serves mostly as an introduction to the concept for later entries. All I'm going to say for now is this: the constant battle for the Mushroom Kingdom is a hoax. Bowser, Peach, and Mario are all conspiring to maintain the status quo and keep the working classes oppressed. What will follow in the upcoming weeks and months is an expose on the seedy underbelly of Super Mario's World. I spent too much time thinking about this, and soon you will too. Be prepared to never be able to play Mario the same way again.

It's 5:40 a.m., do you know who your favorite Pokemon is?

It is late, and I can't sleep because I woke up at 1:30 in the afternoon today, so I'm going to tell you who the best Pokemon are and why. Lucky you.

First, we need to establish when the best Pokemon are. Most anyone who grew up with the games will tell you that Generation 1 (Red, Blue and Yellow versions) and the original 151 monsters are the only ones worth discussing. They are wrong. I have no problem writing Gen 3 off, as most of its additions to the Pokemon World were trying too hard for their own damn good. Despite marked improvement, I can understand disregarding Gen 4 as well for not being part of the nostalgic early days. Still, it's obvious that Pokemon Gold and Silver just plain rocked.

Every bit as much a part of your childhood as Red or Blue.

Gold and Silver came around back when Pokemon was still cool for the first time, before semi-ironic nostalgia and Facebook events made it okay to like them again. The games were better than the first (and still are the best in the series, if you ask me), and the new Pokemon were almost all awesome. So awesome, in fact, that my top five list consists solely of monsters from Generation 2.

5. Ampharos

The Light Pokemon, better known as the Awesome Giraffesheep with a Lightbulb Tail Pokemon. I had one on my very first Gold team, and I remember it fondly. It's a good, reliable electric type with respectable stats and a good movepool, but more importantly it just plain looks cool. Somehow that thing evolves from a blue sheep. I don't even know what animal Ampharos is supposed to be, I just know I want to hug it.