Super Mario '84: The Players - The Koopa Troop

Last week, I examined the corruption and hidden motives of Princess Toadstool and company, and, as promised, I'm going to take a look at the rogue military faction that's been running an unsuccessful coup for the past 25 years. I was going to feature Bowser like I had Mario and Peach, but there's really nothing to say about him that hasn't been said in the last article. Instead I'm going to take a look at a few smaller players in the Koopa Troop.

The Koopa Troop

The main force behind Bowser's army actually seems to have a military-like chain of command, with ranks represented by advances in weaponry and bodily modifications. Regular Koopa Troopas are like privates, the basic foot soldier. Koopa Paratroopas are the next rank up, and have wings grafted onto them to show their heightened ability and position. The Hammer Bros. (or Boomerang, Fire and Ice Bros. depending on region) would be next, still primarily fighting directly on the battlefield, but supplied with better weaponry (as in any weaponry at all) and possessing superior skills. Lakitu would be the colonels, I suppose, mostly commanding a battalion of Spinys and keeping away from the fray in their clouds. The generals of Bowser's Koopa Troop would have to be the Magikoopas. Their skills in magic allow them to escape the battle whenever they're endangered, and they even serve as advisors to the Koopa King, most specifically Kamek, who is likely Bowser's second-in-command. There are fluctuations among the ranks depending on shell color and size, but for the most part this appears to be the basic structure of the Koopa Hierarchy.

Super Mario '84: The Players - Mushroom Kingdom

Henceforth any and all postings about the corrupt rules of Princess Peach and King Bowser shall referred under the label "Super Mario '84," as in "Super Mario 64" and "1984." Isn't that clever and semi-ill-fitting? Focus on the Eurasia/Eastasia part and it sort of works... Anyway, trailing off.

I'd like to take some time to discuss the key players and their motives in this phony war. Today I'll be focusing on Peach's Mushroom Kingdom. Sometime next week I'll go into detail on Bowser and the Koopa Kingdom's side of the gold coin.

Princess Peach: The Oppressive Minority Ruler

We'll start with the top of the chain of command and move down, as the Princess' motives and methods are most clear. It is not often that the games offer a peek at the actual cities and towns of the Mushroom Kingdom, but when they do we see that one thing is very clear: the general populace is almost entirely Toads. In fact, Peach, Mario and Luigi are the only permanent human residents of the Kingdom. How a human came to rule a nation of mushroom men is questionable; it reeks of colonization. Certainly the Toads would be best off being lead by one of their own, and they probably are aware of this. Still, the constant threat of Bowser and a Koopa takeover keep them from ever questioning her Majesty. Peach and Mario are the only people keeping them from singing the Koopa national anthem, so they live with her oppression and fight for her safety in a fabricated conflict out of fear. Peach meanwhile sits safely in her castle most of the time until Bowser comes to "kidnap" her, where she has her own room set up in his place as well. It's all an act for the sake of keeping the fear alive.

Introduction to the Mushroom Kingdom Conspiracy

I've played a lot of Super Mario in my life, more than most should or would want to. The games are exactly as video games should be, so far as I'm concerned: simple, fun, easy to pick up, yet hard to master. Even in this modern age of beautiful cutscenes, voice work, and other decidedly non-video game elements, Mario games have managed to keep it simple, never wasting more than a handful of seconds at a time on pointless cinema scenes. One of the many things that makes Mario great is it's lack of a strong story. Or so I thought.

If you're not familiar, the basic motivation for Mario in the first game was that Bowser, king of the Koopas, had kidnapped Princess Toadstool, for unclear motives. Now Mario has to find and defeat Bowser to rescue the princess. Here's a video to refresh your memory.

Skip ahead to about 1:45, with the final battle with Bowser. Although this particular player decided to be a hotshot and kill him with fireballs, you may remember that the axe at the right can be jumped on to make the bridge collapse as well. After defeating Bowser, Mario finds Princess Toadstool just to the right of the bridge. Look at her, she's just sitting there. She isn't hurt, she isn't chained up, she's just there. Still, that's not a big deal, she's got Bowser just outside of her room, he'd stop her from escaping, right? Sure, only he put the bridge-destroying axe just outside her room. What takes Mario some tricky jumping would only have taken her two steps left. Peach could have escaped any time she wanted.

This raises questions. Why did Bowser kidnap the princess if he didn't mean to hurt her, and did nothing to adequately restrain her? Why didn't the princess try to escape? Why did Bowser put a "jump here to win instantly" device just behind him? This all seems kind of strange, but maybe Bowser and Toadstool are just stupid. I can accept this, the games fun and Mario saves the day. There's nothing questionable about that.

Wait, what's this? I question this. That is most definitely Mario, the Princess, and Bowser engaging in a leisurely go-kart race. They do this all the time, along with golf, tennis, soccer, and baseball games. Somehow these "enemies" are able to put aside their differences in between kidnappings and attempted coups. Something's rotten in the Mushroom Kingdom.

I don't want to make this post too long; this serves mostly as an introduction to the concept for later entries. All I'm going to say for now is this: the constant battle for the Mushroom Kingdom is a hoax. Bowser, Peach, and Mario are all conspiring to maintain the status quo and keep the working classes oppressed. What will follow in the upcoming weeks and months is an expose on the seedy underbelly of Super Mario's World. I spent too much time thinking about this, and soon you will too. Be prepared to never be able to play Mario the same way again.