A hypothetical conversation with Michael Cera

I like Michael Cera. Pretty much any actor who starred or even featured in Arrested Development gets a lifetime pass from me. I don't care if he seemingly plays the same character in every movie he's in, I like the character. Hell, I wouldn't care if he literally played the same character in every movie. George Michael Bluth, wearing the Bluth's Banana Stand uniform in Superbad, Juno and what all else. Tell me that wouldn't be great. He'd be some kind of inter-dimensional traveller, only all of the dimensions would be really similar.

So, today I was thinking, "what if I ran into Mr. Cera some day?" What would I say to him? Would I compliment him on his work? Discuss how great "Scott Pilgrim" is? No and no. I would spend the entire conversation greeting him with a string of long and increasingly ridiculous puns on his name, not letting him get a single word in, then I'd say goodbye. Maybe I'd shake his hand the entire time, not letting go. Maybe not. Anyway, here's what I've come up with so far:

Musings on the importance of Twitter.

 Over Thanksgiving, I had the lovely task of explaining the concept of Twitter to my relatives. I doubt I did a very good job at it, but I covered some of my favorite things about the site. I explained its importance as a news source, as was seen in Iran this summer, as well as the glory of keeping up with Neil Patrick Harris, Pee-Wee Herman and THE_REAL_SHAQ. Twitter also provides a lot of really entertaining original material as well. Fake AP Stylebook is a must-read for any journalist or grammar nerd, shhdontellsteve is a humorous study of an oblivious douchey roommate, and DRUNKHULK is Hulk, but drunk.

One thing I don't quite get about Twitter is the follower/following count fascination. Celebrities evidently brag about having more accounts read them than they read. I myself have a relatively unimpressive follower count, and that's to be expected since I'm not particularly famous or clever. Of course, just because I don't quite understand the fascination, doesn't mean I don't concern myself with these things.

Recently I've noticed that Twitter has a lot of advertising accounts generated by corporations. If you happen to mention their product, somehow they find you and follow you. I've managed to get a VW dealership from New Jersey to follow me by saying "VW," not in reference to the car, and Gillette started following me after I shared a story of cutting myself shaving.

So, my mission for the next month is to see how many of these junk advertising accounts I can get to follow me, and see how long they keep following me (the VW guy stopped after a couple of days). What I intend to do is just tweet strings of brand names and see which ones stick. I'll keep semiregular updates here.

So, sorry, followers, most of my tweets over the next few weeks will be really annoying. Check back by March 1 at the latest.

MLIOK

Today, my old man gave me a carton of cigarettes for Christmas. He grabbed me and said "Hey, smoke up, Johnny." MLIBC

Today, my best friend Hank kept calling me Bill. My name is Lenore. MLIKOTH

Today, I had to go to Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania to cover some lame local feature story for my TV station. I spent the day trying to get to know my producer better. MLIGD

There is nothing in this room I could use to kill a zombie.

Not Pictured: Adequate weaponry, that Grindhouse poster that fell over Thanksgiving

How did I not notice this sooner? This is serious, there are no good bludgeoning devices in my room. Let's take inventory, shall we, of what I could possibly use to attack a zombie?

• Glass bottles - They're handy and plentiful, but would they really do the job here? They're small, so I'd have to get in close to get a hit, and they'd just break on their heads. No good.
• "Guitar Hero" peripherals - Big enough for a decent range, but again too fragile for a good hit. Real guitars would splinter, what good would a small plastic one do?
• Silverware knife - This would most likely break zombie flesh, but again I'd have to get really close to it.
• Textbooks - Hefty, easy to carry, and overly abundant. At least I could fuck up their face, if not destroy the brain. A blind zombie with no sense of smell is better than nothing.
• Desk chair - If it were wooden, I could snap a leg off for a good bludgeoning device, but the plastic contraption Park hall provided me is good for comfort and not much else.
• Trash bin - It's fairly sturdy, I suppose, and as comical as it sounds, I'd imagine pulling one over their head would buy you a bit of time.
• Desk - There are a few boards I could take out with enough effort and disregard for property, and I suppose they'd be useful. This may be my best bet.
• Doc Marten's - My boots are all about ass-kicking, but they're a little worn and I'm too out of shape to kick an adult in the head anymore. Too risky.
• Fists - Even riskier. I don't have my boxing gloves with me (although you can't hit that hard with them on anyway), and there's no way I'm getting a bare hand near a zombie smile.
• Roommate's laptop - What? I'm not going to risk damaging mine. Besides, his is bigger.
• Roommate - Not really a weapon, more of a diversion, but hey, whatever works. All's fair in love and zombies (which, from what I've observed are just about equally likely to happen).

So you see, my options are a bit limited here. I honestly don't know what I'd equip myself with, offensively. Most likely, I'd have to make a mad dash to the next building over, Woodworth dining hall, where I'd yank a heavy-duty frying pan and bigass chef's knife. Kitchen supplies are deadly. Sporting equipment is too, so you bat-, stick- and paddle-based athletes are in good shape.

Defenses are easier. All you really need to know is layers. A lot of shirts, long sleeves, sturdy gloves, and as little bare flesh as possible. Why? Bite yourself. You have to bite really hard to break flesh. Now try it through a few layers of cotton. It's not perfect, but it'll help.

Thankfully, the zombie apocalypse is a few years away from now, so I'll most likely be living in a better-equipped apartment by then.

Super Mario '84: The Players - The Koopa Troop

Last week, I examined the corruption and hidden motives of Princess Toadstool and company, and, as promised, I'm going to take a look at the rogue military faction that's been running an unsuccessful coup for the past 25 years. I was going to feature Bowser like I had Mario and Peach, but there's really nothing to say about him that hasn't been said in the last article. Instead I'm going to take a look at a few smaller players in the Koopa Troop.

The Koopa Troop

The main force behind Bowser's army actually seems to have a military-like chain of command, with ranks represented by advances in weaponry and bodily modifications. Regular Koopa Troopas are like privates, the basic foot soldier. Koopa Paratroopas are the next rank up, and have wings grafted onto them to show their heightened ability and position. The Hammer Bros. (or Boomerang, Fire and Ice Bros. depending on region) would be next, still primarily fighting directly on the battlefield, but supplied with better weaponry (as in any weaponry at all) and possessing superior skills. Lakitu would be the colonels, I suppose, mostly commanding a battalion of Spinys and keeping away from the fray in their clouds. The generals of Bowser's Koopa Troop would have to be the Magikoopas. Their skills in magic allow them to escape the battle whenever they're endangered, and they even serve as advisors to the Koopa King, most specifically Kamek, who is likely Bowser's second-in-command. There are fluctuations among the ranks depending on shell color and size, but for the most part this appears to be the basic structure of the Koopa Hierarchy.

Super Mario '84: The Players - Mushroom Kingdom

Henceforth any and all postings about the corrupt rules of Princess Peach and King Bowser shall referred under the label "Super Mario '84," as in "Super Mario 64" and "1984." Isn't that clever and semi-ill-fitting? Focus on the Eurasia/Eastasia part and it sort of works... Anyway, trailing off.

I'd like to take some time to discuss the key players and their motives in this phony war. Today I'll be focusing on Peach's Mushroom Kingdom. Sometime next week I'll go into detail on Bowser and the Koopa Kingdom's side of the gold coin.

Princess Peach: The Oppressive Minority Ruler

We'll start with the top of the chain of command and move down, as the Princess' motives and methods are most clear. It is not often that the games offer a peek at the actual cities and towns of the Mushroom Kingdom, but when they do we see that one thing is very clear: the general populace is almost entirely Toads. In fact, Peach, Mario and Luigi are the only permanent human residents of the Kingdom. How a human came to rule a nation of mushroom men is questionable; it reeks of colonization. Certainly the Toads would be best off being lead by one of their own, and they probably are aware of this. Still, the constant threat of Bowser and a Koopa takeover keep them from ever questioning her Majesty. Peach and Mario are the only people keeping them from singing the Koopa national anthem, so they live with her oppression and fight for her safety in a fabricated conflict out of fear. Peach meanwhile sits safely in her castle most of the time until Bowser comes to "kidnap" her, where she has her own room set up in his place as well. It's all an act for the sake of keeping the fear alive.

Introduction to the Mushroom Kingdom Conspiracy

I've played a lot of Super Mario in my life, more than most should or would want to. The games are exactly as video games should be, so far as I'm concerned: simple, fun, easy to pick up, yet hard to master. Even in this modern age of beautiful cutscenes, voice work, and other decidedly non-video game elements, Mario games have managed to keep it simple, never wasting more than a handful of seconds at a time on pointless cinema scenes. One of the many things that makes Mario great is it's lack of a strong story. Or so I thought.

If you're not familiar, the basic motivation for Mario in the first game was that Bowser, king of the Koopas, had kidnapped Princess Toadstool, for unclear motives. Now Mario has to find and defeat Bowser to rescue the princess. Here's a video to refresh your memory.

Skip ahead to about 1:45, with the final battle with Bowser. Although this particular player decided to be a hotshot and kill him with fireballs, you may remember that the axe at the right can be jumped on to make the bridge collapse as well. After defeating Bowser, Mario finds Princess Toadstool just to the right of the bridge. Look at her, she's just sitting there. She isn't hurt, she isn't chained up, she's just there. Still, that's not a big deal, she's got Bowser just outside of her room, he'd stop her from escaping, right? Sure, only he put the bridge-destroying axe just outside her room. What takes Mario some tricky jumping would only have taken her two steps left. Peach could have escaped any time she wanted.

This raises questions. Why did Bowser kidnap the princess if he didn't mean to hurt her, and did nothing to adequately restrain her? Why didn't the princess try to escape? Why did Bowser put a "jump here to win instantly" device just behind him? This all seems kind of strange, but maybe Bowser and Toadstool are just stupid. I can accept this, the games fun and Mario saves the day. There's nothing questionable about that.

Wait, what's this? I question this. That is most definitely Mario, the Princess, and Bowser engaging in a leisurely go-kart race. They do this all the time, along with golf, tennis, soccer, and baseball games. Somehow these "enemies" are able to put aside their differences in between kidnappings and attempted coups. Something's rotten in the Mushroom Kingdom.

I don't want to make this post too long; this serves mostly as an introduction to the concept for later entries. All I'm going to say for now is this: the constant battle for the Mushroom Kingdom is a hoax. Bowser, Peach, and Mario are all conspiring to maintain the status quo and keep the working classes oppressed. What will follow in the upcoming weeks and months is an expose on the seedy underbelly of Super Mario's World. I spent too much time thinking about this, and soon you will too. Be prepared to never be able to play Mario the same way again.