Introduction to the Mushroom Kingdom Conspiracy

I've played a lot of Super Mario in my life, more than most should or would want to. The games are exactly as video games should be, so far as I'm concerned: simple, fun, easy to pick up, yet hard to master. Even in this modern age of beautiful cutscenes, voice work, and other decidedly non-video game elements, Mario games have managed to keep it simple, never wasting more than a handful of seconds at a time on pointless cinema scenes. One of the many things that makes Mario great is it's lack of a strong story. Or so I thought.

If you're not familiar, the basic motivation for Mario in the first game was that Bowser, king of the Koopas, had kidnapped Princess Toadstool, for unclear motives. Now Mario has to find and defeat Bowser to rescue the princess. Here's a video to refresh your memory.

Skip ahead to about 1:45, with the final battle with Bowser. Although this particular player decided to be a hotshot and kill him with fireballs, you may remember that the axe at the right can be jumped on to make the bridge collapse as well. After defeating Bowser, Mario finds Princess Toadstool just to the right of the bridge. Look at her, she's just sitting there. She isn't hurt, she isn't chained up, she's just there. Still, that's not a big deal, she's got Bowser just outside of her room, he'd stop her from escaping, right? Sure, only he put the bridge-destroying axe just outside her room. What takes Mario some tricky jumping would only have taken her two steps left. Peach could have escaped any time she wanted.

This raises questions. Why did Bowser kidnap the princess if he didn't mean to hurt her, and did nothing to adequately restrain her? Why didn't the princess try to escape? Why did Bowser put a "jump here to win instantly" device just behind him? This all seems kind of strange, but maybe Bowser and Toadstool are just stupid. I can accept this, the games fun and Mario saves the day. There's nothing questionable about that.

Wait, what's this? I question this. That is most definitely Mario, the Princess, and Bowser engaging in a leisurely go-kart race. They do this all the time, along with golf, tennis, soccer, and baseball games. Somehow these "enemies" are able to put aside their differences in between kidnappings and attempted coups. Something's rotten in the Mushroom Kingdom.

I don't want to make this post too long; this serves mostly as an introduction to the concept for later entries. All I'm going to say for now is this: the constant battle for the Mushroom Kingdom is a hoax. Bowser, Peach, and Mario are all conspiring to maintain the status quo and keep the working classes oppressed. What will follow in the upcoming weeks and months is an expose on the seedy underbelly of Super Mario's World. I spent too much time thinking about this, and soon you will too. Be prepared to never be able to play Mario the same way again.

All I got for Christmas was a chance to beef up my site content.

"It's a Pagan holiday, Charlie Brown."

This blog's still in its early stages, so just bear with me while I fiddle about with posting links, editing images, and giving readers more lists of things to skim through for their/my amusement.

Anyway, I hope everyone reading this had a kickin' rad Christmas/whatever holiday you celebrate/honestly, it's probably Christmas, right? I know I did. Honestly, this was one of the better Christmases in memory for me. I didn't sit around bored all day in a silent room with a silent family, since now that I'm in college suddenly my relatives and I have things to discuss. It's always good to see aunts and grandparents and cousins and a great aunt? whose name I can't remember (but it's alright, I don't think she knew mine either).

It's 5:40 a.m., do you know who your favorite Pokemon is?

It is late, and I can't sleep because I woke up at 1:30 in the afternoon today, so I'm going to tell you who the best Pokemon are and why. Lucky you.

First, we need to establish when the best Pokemon are. Most anyone who grew up with the games will tell you that Generation 1 (Red, Blue and Yellow versions) and the original 151 monsters are the only ones worth discussing. They are wrong. I have no problem writing Gen 3 off, as most of its additions to the Pokemon World were trying too hard for their own damn good. Despite marked improvement, I can understand disregarding Gen 4 as well for not being part of the nostalgic early days. Still, it's obvious that Pokemon Gold and Silver just plain rocked.

Every bit as much a part of your childhood as Red or Blue.

Gold and Silver came around back when Pokemon was still cool for the first time, before semi-ironic nostalgia and Facebook events made it okay to like them again. The games were better than the first (and still are the best in the series, if you ask me), and the new Pokemon were almost all awesome. So awesome, in fact, that my top five list consists solely of monsters from Generation 2.

5. Ampharos

The Light Pokemon, better known as the Awesome Giraffesheep with a Lightbulb Tail Pokemon. I had one on my very first Gold team, and I remember it fondly. It's a good, reliable electric type with respectable stats and a good movepool, but more importantly it just plain looks cool. Somehow that thing evolves from a blue sheep. I don't even know what animal Ampharos is supposed to be, I just know I want to hug it.

You can call it what you want, but I call it messing with my blog layout.

Cameron Schimmel: Student, blogger, handsome.

Hey, I didn't see you come in. Have a seat. This is the obligatory introductory post/format test.

A lot of people* have told me I should start a blog, because I'm just fantastic and say fantastic things. It's a good place for my various thoughts and to keep myself in shape as a writer. This is, I think, the fourth blog I've started, not counting a couple of class-assigned efforts. With any luck, this one will last more than two months and five posts before I get bored or run out of clever things to say.

In the posts that shall follow this, expect ramblings on any number of subjects: good music, bad movies, strange dreams, odd news findings, the deep political intrigue of Super Mario, random thoughts too long for Twitter, whatever. It'll be just like holding a conversation with the real Cameron, except you can't really talk back!

So, now that the necessary evil of the lame introduction is out of the way, get ready for a whole mess of snark and hyperbole come 2010.

*At least two of my friends, to me specifically, and one professor, to the class in general.